We all agree it is compassionate to avoid hurting people’s feelings whenever possible. The “whenever possible” clause creates some confusion when ending a relationship, however. This is an inherently painful time for one or both parties.
Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then is necessary in these situations. Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.
There are no strict rules about how to end a relationship. However, a few tips can help when breaking up with someone.
Don’t be evasive, unclear or vague. Be direct and to the point. This is not an enjoyable matter for either of you. Giving false hope or making your partner guess at what you want prolongs everyone’s misery.
Do not break up in stages. You may think this will make the loss easier. Don’t fall for it. This only serves to administer low, medium and high doses of pain over a longer interval.
Don’t lie or invent a story. Things will not add up and the falsehood will be found out sooner or later - usually sooner. Getting over a break up is hard enough without introducing mistrust. Making someone piece together bits of information while leaving him/her to guess what is true causes unnecessary pain.
Don’t blame someone or something else for your choices. Identifying and asking for what you want is an important developmental step and is necessary for mature relationships. Also, hiding behind excuses is pretty transparent. It is likely the other person will see what you are doing. Conversely, if he/she actually believes your excuse, the person will try and problem solve how to remove whatever relationship obstacle you’ve fabricated.
Don’t delay ending a relationship. Once you know you want to break up with someone, it does not help if you deny what you feel. Your partner will sense a change, perhaps reaching out for reassurance. This may feel like “neediness” to you which will increase your feelings of being stuck.
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Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Relationship Advice - Conquering Boredom
Has your relationship fallen into a rut? What do you do to revive the relationship before it stagnates and falls apart?
You've been together for several years now. Sex has become routine and your relationship is in a rut. Those early days of euphoria that you felt when he/she looked your way are long gone. What do you do to revive the relationship before it stagnates and falls apart?
The Symptoms - Every relationship faces it. Boredom. Everyday is pretty much the same. You and your partner take each other for granted. Sex has become routine. You no longer catch yourself having warm fuzzy feelings about your partner and dreaming up ways to make them happy. Instead your priorities have shifted to work, the kids, money, or what you'll get mom for Christmas. When and where it started, you're not sure. One day you wake up and it occurs to you that your sex life is boring. You may even blame your partner. The cute coworker may have caught your eye and now your wondering why your partner can't give you that kind of attention. Ok, you recognize the symptoms but how do you fix it?
The Cure - The thing that separates your relationship with your partner from every other relationship is sex. It therefore stands to reason that the way to revive your relationship is through sex. Consider it as playtime between you and your partner. Not only should it be satisfying, it should also be fun. Here are the steps that will help bring some fun back into your sex life.
Make it a priority. First of all you need to make time for intimacy. The three main obstacles to intimacy are time, energy, and privacy. By making sex a priority, it is easier to find opportunities when both of you have the time and energy. Privacy can always be arranged.
Feel Sexy. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel sexy. Sex is more satisfying for both of you if you are not self-conscious. Work out or dress up. Women are often more self-conscious than men. Ladies your body does not have to be perfect. If your partner loves you and you feel sexy, he will see you as sexy. Lingerie may be a way of making yourself feel attractive.
Communicate. Let your partner know that you want to break the routine. Never be accusing or negative when telling your partner that you want to change things or you will probably get a negative reaction. You may find out that your partner feels like you do and wants to get out of the rut you've fallen into.
Do something different Break the routine. Remember, it's all about fun so be creative. You might plan a day where you try to tempt each other to see who will give in first. Perhaps you could read a book and learn a new technique. You might try a romantic atmosphere with candles and music or a roaring fire. You could be adventurous and try role playing. For example, dress up and pretend you are strangers. Another idea is for each of you to write down a fantasy during the week and on Saturday you do his and on Sunday, hers. If you are uncomfortable coming up with ideas on your own, you might try a sex game and let the game lead you. Once your sex life is back on track, you will find that you feel closer to your partner.
Why bother - Never reach the point where you are not touching each other. Touch, whether erotic or not, is crucial to keeping your relationship on track. Again, this is not a relationship that you want to be like others in your life. One or both of you will end up cheating. Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Do not give into this urge as you will be giving up more than you are gaining. If you get caught and break up, you will have all the time in the world to fool around with whoever, whenever you want. In the end you will still feel empty. What you are looking for cannot be found with a stranger. Working on your relationship, nourishing it with your attention and love, will give a much more fulfilling result. We are all looking for that special someone to fill that emptiness inside us. Who will love us through the good and bad, give our life meaning, our rock when we feel weak and our pillow when we fall. Starting over with someone new every few years makes this very difficult to accomplish.
In conclusion, think back to when you met your partner. Think about your time together and the good things you have shared. Is anything else in your life worth more effort than building on that love? It's like a precious flower. Feed it, water it, nurture it and it will grow. Tend to it only when it crosses your mind and it will wither and die. Communicate, appreciate, and have fun. These are the key ingredients to adding zest to a relationship rut.
You've been together for several years now. Sex has become routine and your relationship is in a rut. Those early days of euphoria that you felt when he/she looked your way are long gone. What do you do to revive the relationship before it stagnates and falls apart?
The Symptoms - Every relationship faces it. Boredom. Everyday is pretty much the same. You and your partner take each other for granted. Sex has become routine. You no longer catch yourself having warm fuzzy feelings about your partner and dreaming up ways to make them happy. Instead your priorities have shifted to work, the kids, money, or what you'll get mom for Christmas. When and where it started, you're not sure. One day you wake up and it occurs to you that your sex life is boring. You may even blame your partner. The cute coworker may have caught your eye and now your wondering why your partner can't give you that kind of attention. Ok, you recognize the symptoms but how do you fix it?
The Cure - The thing that separates your relationship with your partner from every other relationship is sex. It therefore stands to reason that the way to revive your relationship is through sex. Consider it as playtime between you and your partner. Not only should it be satisfying, it should also be fun. Here are the steps that will help bring some fun back into your sex life.
Make it a priority. First of all you need to make time for intimacy. The three main obstacles to intimacy are time, energy, and privacy. By making sex a priority, it is easier to find opportunities when both of you have the time and energy. Privacy can always be arranged.
Feel Sexy. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel sexy. Sex is more satisfying for both of you if you are not self-conscious. Work out or dress up. Women are often more self-conscious than men. Ladies your body does not have to be perfect. If your partner loves you and you feel sexy, he will see you as sexy. Lingerie may be a way of making yourself feel attractive.
Communicate. Let your partner know that you want to break the routine. Never be accusing or negative when telling your partner that you want to change things or you will probably get a negative reaction. You may find out that your partner feels like you do and wants to get out of the rut you've fallen into.
Do something different Break the routine. Remember, it's all about fun so be creative. You might plan a day where you try to tempt each other to see who will give in first. Perhaps you could read a book and learn a new technique. You might try a romantic atmosphere with candles and music or a roaring fire. You could be adventurous and try role playing. For example, dress up and pretend you are strangers. Another idea is for each of you to write down a fantasy during the week and on Saturday you do his and on Sunday, hers. If you are uncomfortable coming up with ideas on your own, you might try a sex game and let the game lead you. Once your sex life is back on track, you will find that you feel closer to your partner.
Why bother - Never reach the point where you are not touching each other. Touch, whether erotic or not, is crucial to keeping your relationship on track. Again, this is not a relationship that you want to be like others in your life. One or both of you will end up cheating. Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Do not give into this urge as you will be giving up more than you are gaining. If you get caught and break up, you will have all the time in the world to fool around with whoever, whenever you want. In the end you will still feel empty. What you are looking for cannot be found with a stranger. Working on your relationship, nourishing it with your attention and love, will give a much more fulfilling result. We are all looking for that special someone to fill that emptiness inside us. Who will love us through the good and bad, give our life meaning, our rock when we feel weak and our pillow when we fall. Starting over with someone new every few years makes this very difficult to accomplish.
In conclusion, think back to when you met your partner. Think about your time together and the good things you have shared. Is anything else in your life worth more effort than building on that love? It's like a precious flower. Feed it, water it, nurture it and it will grow. Tend to it only when it crosses your mind and it will wither and die. Communicate, appreciate, and have fun. These are the key ingredients to adding zest to a relationship rut.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Relationship Tip: Women Love Us But
"How can she possibly go out with that guy?" Keep your ears open long enough and you will hear that question or at least a variation of it a number of times in your life.
Some women ask this question not because they want an answer but more so out of plain jealousy. They want what another woman already has. That is all part of the game. Still others really are curious as to why she would even pick this particular guy to build a relationship.
No one can fully understand romance or human compatibility. It is what it is but that does not mean women love everything about us. In fact the majority could really do well without the following:
1. Selfishness
It's all about you. When the circumstances directly affect her, you find away to become the center of it. Dating and relationships are about give and take. Nobody and I mean nobody should get their way all the time or even want to. Not only does it make for dullness in the partnership but you are also buying stock in the resentment portfolio. It may not come back to bite you tomorrow or the next day but the longer the selfishness continues the more likely the resentment will grow. And when it comes to the surface you will be in for a nasty shock.
This also includes being a power freak. You will decide what, when, where, why and how much in every facet of the relationship. You want to be king of the roost but are not willing to make her the your queen. She is not your servant; she is your partner so learn to trust her decision making process and be prepared to let her lead sometimes.
2. Huh?
That means you were not listening. This drives women up the wall. It says that a: you do not respect her opinion and b: she is not worth listening to. Communication is high on the list of priorities for many women and listening is a huge part of the equation. If you need to train yourself to listen than do it. Besides that she will also appreciate the effort on your part.
3. The Mama's Boy
A good relationship with your mom is to be cherished and respected. No woman should begrudge you that. However running to mama to solve some problems you maybe having in your relationship or worse still using her as a standard to routinely criticize your partner is a definite no-no. It shows a strong lack of independence. Keep in mind also that while women may have maternal instincts that does not imply they want to assume the role of matriarch in your relationship. Two consenting adults means just that.
There are of course many other things that women don't particularly like about us but it would probably take days to list them all (You can hear the ladies now saying think in terms of years). That's fine. No one is perfect so follow the three tips mentioned do the best you and watch it pay dividends.
Some women ask this question not because they want an answer but more so out of plain jealousy. They want what another woman already has. That is all part of the game. Still others really are curious as to why she would even pick this particular guy to build a relationship.
No one can fully understand romance or human compatibility. It is what it is but that does not mean women love everything about us. In fact the majority could really do well without the following:
1. Selfishness
It's all about you. When the circumstances directly affect her, you find away to become the center of it. Dating and relationships are about give and take. Nobody and I mean nobody should get their way all the time or even want to. Not only does it make for dullness in the partnership but you are also buying stock in the resentment portfolio. It may not come back to bite you tomorrow or the next day but the longer the selfishness continues the more likely the resentment will grow. And when it comes to the surface you will be in for a nasty shock.
This also includes being a power freak. You will decide what, when, where, why and how much in every facet of the relationship. You want to be king of the roost but are not willing to make her the your queen. She is not your servant; she is your partner so learn to trust her decision making process and be prepared to let her lead sometimes.
2. Huh?
That means you were not listening. This drives women up the wall. It says that a: you do not respect her opinion and b: she is not worth listening to. Communication is high on the list of priorities for many women and listening is a huge part of the equation. If you need to train yourself to listen than do it. Besides that she will also appreciate the effort on your part.
3. The Mama's Boy
A good relationship with your mom is to be cherished and respected. No woman should begrudge you that. However running to mama to solve some problems you maybe having in your relationship or worse still using her as a standard to routinely criticize your partner is a definite no-no. It shows a strong lack of independence. Keep in mind also that while women may have maternal instincts that does not imply they want to assume the role of matriarch in your relationship. Two consenting adults means just that.
There are of course many other things that women don't particularly like about us but it would probably take days to list them all (You can hear the ladies now saying think in terms of years). That's fine. No one is perfect so follow the three tips mentioned do the best you and watch it pay dividends.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Survive a Break Up
Breaking up is always painful. Here are some suggestions to help you get through it.
Enlarge ImageBreak ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I’ll show him/her. The main theme in your life is ‘How can I feel better right NOW?’ Here are some suggestions that I hope will help.
Friends and Family. I know this may seem obvious but lean on your friends and family. Spend time doing things together, not just talking and thinking about the break up. If this isn’t enough, you may consider a support group or counseling.
Resist the urge to beg. You want them back but not at any price. At the time it may seem the right thing to do but think about it. In the long run they will lose respect for you. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. However, if your partner has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, begging will not help and may hurt the situation.
Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Take a class, join a gym, adopt a pet, or volunteer. Do anything that will make you feel good about yourself. Your ego is probably feeling bruised right now. Find a way to counteract that.
Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure. Don’t beat yourself up. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but dwelling on what might have been won’t help. It takes two to make a relationship, it also takes two to end one. You weren’t the only one who made mistakes. It may not seem useful to you now, but a lot of times the things you learned from this experience will make your next relationship stronger, as long as you make the necessary changes.
Start Dating. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from other people for an extended period of time. Going out with other people can help the healing process and boast your ego.
Don’t fall prey to others. There will be people trying to sell you this or that, guaranteed to win back your partner. Don’t let people take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. If you do buy something, understand that while there is a chance it could help, there is also a chance that it won’t.
Take up a hobby. Learn something new. There is probably something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time. You have the time, do it.
Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Take time to heal before making any commitments or someone will probably end up getting hurt.
Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but, if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take your mind off of it. Call a friend; go to the gym, whatever comes to mind. If nothing seems to work, try this: Make a list of reasons why you are better off now. This could include I have time to do the things I want to do. I can date anyone I want to. I can find a partner who will appreciate me the way I am and stop wasting time on a doomed relationship. Think about the things they did that drove you crazy, because there are some. Don’t look back with rose colored glasses and only remember the good things. Don’t have the idea in your head that if only we were back together I would be happy. Wrong. Wouldn’t they have a lot to answer for if you did get back together? Leaving you was probably the biggest mistake they will ever make. Let them dwell on it, you move on!
Build your ego. I’ve touched on this already but it is very important. Find ways to feel better about yourself. This could be anything from getting a haircut to buying some new clothes. You could take a class on self improvement. If nothing else, you should do this: Make a list of things that make you a great person. Don’t sit there and tell me you can’t think of anything. I don’t buy it. Try again. Are you kind? Patient? Intelligent? Cook like a pro? Can fix anything? There are things that make you great. WRITE them down and whenever you feel low, read your list and add to it. You are you and you are great so don’t let anyone ever make you feel that you aren’t.
Enlarge ImageBreak ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I’ll show him/her. The main theme in your life is ‘How can I feel better right NOW?’ Here are some suggestions that I hope will help.
Friends and Family. I know this may seem obvious but lean on your friends and family. Spend time doing things together, not just talking and thinking about the break up. If this isn’t enough, you may consider a support group or counseling.
Resist the urge to beg. You want them back but not at any price. At the time it may seem the right thing to do but think about it. In the long run they will lose respect for you. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. However, if your partner has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, begging will not help and may hurt the situation.
Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Take a class, join a gym, adopt a pet, or volunteer. Do anything that will make you feel good about yourself. Your ego is probably feeling bruised right now. Find a way to counteract that.
Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure. Don’t beat yourself up. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but dwelling on what might have been won’t help. It takes two to make a relationship, it also takes two to end one. You weren’t the only one who made mistakes. It may not seem useful to you now, but a lot of times the things you learned from this experience will make your next relationship stronger, as long as you make the necessary changes.
Start Dating. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from other people for an extended period of time. Going out with other people can help the healing process and boast your ego.
Don’t fall prey to others. There will be people trying to sell you this or that, guaranteed to win back your partner. Don’t let people take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. If you do buy something, understand that while there is a chance it could help, there is also a chance that it won’t.
Take up a hobby. Learn something new. There is probably something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time. You have the time, do it.
Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Take time to heal before making any commitments or someone will probably end up getting hurt.
Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but, if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take your mind off of it. Call a friend; go to the gym, whatever comes to mind. If nothing seems to work, try this: Make a list of reasons why you are better off now. This could include I have time to do the things I want to do. I can date anyone I want to. I can find a partner who will appreciate me the way I am and stop wasting time on a doomed relationship. Think about the things they did that drove you crazy, because there are some. Don’t look back with rose colored glasses and only remember the good things. Don’t have the idea in your head that if only we were back together I would be happy. Wrong. Wouldn’t they have a lot to answer for if you did get back together? Leaving you was probably the biggest mistake they will ever make. Let them dwell on it, you move on!
Build your ego. I’ve touched on this already but it is very important. Find ways to feel better about yourself. This could be anything from getting a haircut to buying some new clothes. You could take a class on self improvement. If nothing else, you should do this: Make a list of things that make you a great person. Don’t sit there and tell me you can’t think of anything. I don’t buy it. Try again. Are you kind? Patient? Intelligent? Cook like a pro? Can fix anything? There are things that make you great. WRITE them down and whenever you feel low, read your list and add to it. You are you and you are great so don’t let anyone ever make you feel that you aren’t.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing
When there is crisis in a relationship, one person often promises, "I'm going to change." Here are some practical signs that your spouse or significant other is truly changing for the better. Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.
So...there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.
"Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?"
Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:
1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.
2. You find yourself surprised. "Hmmmm, this hasn't happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!"
3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.
4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.
5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.
6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.
7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!
8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.
9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.
10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.
11. Words such as: "I promise. I'll try. Or, I'm going to..." are NOT in his/her vocabulary.
12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.
13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.
14. There is good eye contact.
15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.
16. You worry much less about what will happen next.
So...there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.
"Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?"
Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:
1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.
2. You find yourself surprised. "Hmmmm, this hasn't happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!"
3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.
4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.
5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.
6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.
7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!
8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.
9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.
10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.
11. Words such as: "I promise. I'll try. Or, I'm going to..." are NOT in his/her vocabulary.
12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.
13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.
14. There is good eye contact.
15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.
16. You worry much less about what will happen next.
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